Avatar Aang and the Chocolate Factory
by Distant-Moon
Summary: The Gaang manage to get their hands on five golden tickets to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory; but, of course, only one person can come out of the factory with the grand prize. A lifetime supply of free chocolate is a surpisingly effective motivational-factor in this contest...and heads are most certainly going to roll. Set during Book III, pre-Sozin's Comet. Read if you dare.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hellooooooooooooo, fandom!**

**I, of course, am referring to the AtLA fandom. If there actually is a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory fandom out there, I think I'll go cry in a corner. Because you just know it's probably all just Wonka/Charlie slash pairings, or, like Veruca Salt and some factory squirrel. **

**I dunno. I remember watching the Gene Wilder version as a kid, and I never saw the Johnny Depp version (and quite frankly I probably won't, because those purple oompas just creep me the fuck out). I don't recall being _charmed_, so to say…but definitely weirded out by the nightmare tunnel thing with the chicken decapitation scene. DEFINITELY a family classic! (thumbs up)**

**Anyway, this idea popped in my head, and I realized I can totally justify having the Gaang visit the Wonka factory if I wanted. And, confession time, I totally wanted to write out how Zuko would react to being surrounded by a swarm of singing orange midgets in white jumpsuits. Tell me that wouldn't be entertaining as hell.**

**To all of my readers for the Happy Endings saga, do not fear. Consider this fic to be a creative exercise to keep my brain fresh (and to help jumpstart some inspiration for my Deleted Scenes, which I'm having a bit of a block with). I will continue to update the mainfic on a consistent (or semi-consistent, at least) basis, though. In the meantime, I this fic suits your fancy.**

**So, yeah. Enjoy the ride. It'll be quite a trip.**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Avatar the Last Airbender or the Willa Wonka franchises. I actually had to repost this because I forgot to give credit, and I kind of should since this is technically a parody work. AtLA belongs to Nickelodeon Studios and Bryke, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory belongs to Roald Dahl. Also, I dare you guys to go watch the Gene Wilder movie after reading this chapter. Almost everything that happens here is the way it happens in the movie...only not in the Fire Nation.

Nuff said. Go read.

* * *

**Chapter One: Plot Hook, Line, and Sinker**

It was a bright sunny day as the proud, mighty warriors of Team Avatar found themselves assembled outside of what appeared to be a giant factory. Specifically a chocolate factory! Now, if you are wondering what they are doing there, or why any of them would be interested in said factory to begin with, just remember that _Sokka_ is the schedule guy. Hmmmm? Training for Sozin's Comet…? Or a random excursion to a chocolate factory?

I think we all know the answer to THAT question.

"I dunno," said Katara, looking dubiously at the gloomy-looking building. "Should we really be taking a trip to a chocolate factory when Sozin's Comet is so close?"

"Are you kidding?" Sokka exclaimed, wheeling around and staring at his younger sister in disbelief. "This is exactly the sort of time-wasting nonsense I've been missing!"

Zuko didn't say a word. He just stared and stared at the large, menacing building with the iron gates; his gaze drifting over the prison-themed watchtowers and the smokestacks churning ash and rubbish into the air. He had the strangest sense of déjà-vu, but couldn't quite put his finger on it. Quite possibly, he was reminded of the Boiling Rock, but didn't realize it.

This was simply because Zuko had quickly and immediately suppressed any and all memories of his time in prison. And wouldn't _you _after facing the trauma of being locked up with convicted felons for a few days?

"I don't think this is a chocolate factory, you guys," said the former prince. "It's…really scary-looking. Kind of like a slaughter house or something."

Aang looked perturbed. "A what?"

Zuko glanced at the younger boy. "A slaughter house. That's where they bring livestock to be systematically killed so they can be turned into hot dogs and steaks and…oh, right…vegetarian. Sorry about that, Aang."

The Avatar just shivered. "You know, after traveling with Sokka for so long, I've kind of gotten used to it." But he continued to stare blankly at the building, his lips slowly turning white at the graphic mental images undoubtedly running through his head.

"Great," Toph muttered. "I think you went and broke Twinkles, Sparky. We kind of need him for kicking the stuffing out of your dad, remember?"

Zuko sighed. Right. He had forgotten. Everything was his fault lately. Whenever it rained (making Firebending training pointless), the suspicious glances always pointed his way without fail. Just like it had been his fault when Toph's feet got burned, _his _fault when the food ran short…_his _fault when the lemur got sick and when the sky bison stopped giving milk (and Zuko was almost positive that Appa was a male sky bison)…always _his_ fault because of his heritage. Curse the spirits for having made him prince of a genocidal nation.

And, incidentally, it had been his fault that they had gotten their hands on five crisp new golden tickets to a place called Wonka's Chocolate Factory. A few nights ago, they had sent Zuko into the nearest village to restock their supplies, and he had come back with some Fire Nation take-out. Someone had slipped the tickets in their fortune cookies.

Well, five of them. Suki's fortune cookie had just said, "Taking a sick day could do wonders for your health." So, taking the hint, she had opted to stay behind and brush up on her tsumgi-horn. Apparently Zuko's summer house was full of tsumgi-horns, for reasons that simply eluded everyone (most of all Zuko himself).

Before Zuko could defend his Avatar-breaking ways, however, the plot decided to show up.

The doors to the iron gates began creaking ominously as they swooshed open all by themselves. It was quite dramatic, and caused all of them to jump; except for Toph, who was made of much sterner stuff than that and was, coincidentally, blind. But the small Earthbender smirked at everyone's startled reactions.

"You guys moved faster than a bunch of wild guinea-pig-hares," she taunted. "Your hearts are pounding like crazy!"

"Very funny," Sokka grumbled, clutching at his chest. He narrowed his eyes at the offending gates. "Huh…so does this mean we can go on in?"

"Well, I don't see any signs warning against trespassers," Toph replied.

"Are you sure? Because I really, really don't feel like getting arrested again, and…" the Water Tribe warrior trailed off, turning to frown at the girl. "You know, that gets less and less funny every time you do that."

"Oh, please. Blind jokes never get old."

No one felt the need to contradict her. They were too distracted by the sudden and alarming presence of the keeper of the factory, the one Willy Wonka himself. He was quite distracting all on his own, being a blonde man dressed in a flamboyantly purple tuxedo and top hat, the likes of which the gaang had never seen in their lives. And they had met plenty of strange people over the past year of fighting Fire Nation tyranny.

But that wasn't what was so alarming about him. What they found alarming was the way he exploded out of the factory doors, brandishing a cane and wearing a manic grin on his face. He then proceeded to tap-dance his way to the gates, his shoes clapping noisily on the cobblestone path. Zuko, seeing the man, was instantly seized with the fight-or-flight impulse, and had to choke back the urge to set fire to the building.

"Welcome, friends, one and all!" he announced, much to the group's unanimous foreboding. If they had learned one thing on their journey, it was that overly-friendly strangers usually turned out to be homicidal maniacs in disguise. "Welcome to my chocolate factory! Would you come forward please?"

They all exchanged glances. They still weren't too sure about this man or that cane of his.

"Five copper pieces he's packing some kind of blade," Sokka whispered to Zuko.

"Nah, he's clean," said Toph. "I can't sense any hidden weapons on him."

"What about candy?" Aang piped up. "Does he have candy?"

Mr. Wonka laughed, a twinkle in his eye. However, this only served to make the youngsters even more suspicious. Nothing was more questionable than a twinkle.

"If its candy you want, then you've come to the right place," he said. Then he laughed again. "I'm so glad you've come. This is going to be such an exciting day. I hope you enjoy it!"

Katara, being the courteous one, was all set to assure him that they would do their best to enjoy themselves. But before she could get the words out, a sinister expression appeared on the candy-maker's face, making her pause.

"I think you will…oh, yes, I do believe you will…" he said with a dark smile. "And now, will you please show me your golden tickets?"

The Waterbender went still, the polite smile frozen on her face. Aang nudged her. "Um…Katara? You have the tickets, right? Right?"

She snapped out of it. "Um…I gave them to Zuko to hold."

"They're right here," he said, reaching into his pocket for the tickets. As he was pulling them out, though, Toph suddenly snatched his wrist, keeping the prince from depositing them into Mr. Wonka's outstretched hand.

"Wait a minute. These are golden tickets."

"Yeah," said Zuko in confusion. "Could you let go?"

"_Golden_ tickets."

"Um…"

"Made of real gold?" Toph persisted, hoping that the Firebender would get the point.

He did. Zuko frowned, slowly pulling the tickets back towards his chest protectively. "That's true, you know," he said to the chocolate-peddler. "Why would we want to give away five sheets of pure gold? We could probably buy up a ton of our own stocks in your corporation if we wanted to. And I'm sure we'll need the money for our mission, right?"

He turned to the rest of the group, who did not look as enthused.

"Right?"

Sokka narrowed his eyes at him. "Zuko, the man is giving away free chocolate. Do you know what a delicacy chocolate is in the South Pole?"

"Um…"

"Do you know how often I've gotten to eat a nice bar of chocolate?" he persisted.

"Well…I mean…I'm guessing…not that often…"

"Try never." The Water Tribe boy took another step towards the ex-prince. "And this man is giving it away for _free_. FREE. I am NOT missing out on the chance to eat my weight in free food, let alone something as rare and prized as chocolate!"

Zuko swallowed nervously before turning to Katara, the voice of reason in the group. To his dismay, she also looked like she was ready to scratch out his eyes, simply for suggesting that they turn away from the factory.

"I'm with him," she said, folding her arms. "We're going, and that's final."

"Are you kidding me? Five seconds ago you were just saying how we needed to be prepared for Sozin's Comet! Did you really just change your mind over the prospect of _free chocolate_?"

Katara glared daggers at him. "I'm a woman, Zuko. _NEVER_ try to get between a girl and her chocolate."

Well, shit.

Zuko backed away slowly, holding out his hands as though trying to appear non-threatening to a growling platypus-bear. He happened to glance at Aang out of the corner of his eye and gave him a hopeful look. Sure, he was a twelve-year-old child facing the prospect of a lifetime's supply of sweets…but he was also the Avatar. Surely he would realize that saving the world was much more important…right?

"Aang?"

The boy shuffled uncomfortably. "Um…as the Avatar, it's my duty to investigate this chocolate factory," he said, trying to sound official and important, like someone who couldn't be argued with. "I mean…um…what if it's secretly a weapons factory, or…um…a slaughter house, like you said before? I have to put a stop to such things, right?"

The Firebender facepalmed. "I can see I'm outvoted," he said. "Sorry Toph."

"Meh. Whatever."

And with nothing else to say, Zuko handed over the tickets. Mr. Wonka snatched them away eagerly, his face lighting up with anticipation.

"Before we go any further, perhaps you kids would like to introduce yourselves. We_ will _be spending the day together, after all. We wouldn't want this to get awkward, now would we?"

They were on their guard again. They happened to be in the Fire Nation (which was where Mr. Wonka's newest factory had been built), and they couldn't exactly just blurt out that the bald-kid with the arrows was the Avatar. Katara cautiously made her way to the front of the group, holding out her hand for Mr. Wonka to shake.

"I'm Katara," she said, gauging the man's reaction.

"My dear, Katara, what a pleasure," he beamed, grasping her hand tightly. He lifted it to his mouth and pressed a kiss tenderly on the back of it, causing the girl to wince. "And how pretty you look in that nice, naval-barring top…"

"Ahem!" Sokka coughed threateningly. "That's my sister, you know."

"And you are?"

"My name is Sokka. And if you look at Katara like that again, I'm going to feed you the business end of my space-sword."

Aang nodded in fierce agreement, all pacifist monk teachings forgotten in the wake of his seething dislike for the man in purple.

"How nice to meet you, my boy! And my, you're in such fine shape!"

Sokka frowned, his indignation softening from the unexpected compliment. "Well…yeah. I do work out…and I am a warrior, after all. The best in my entire village."

"Impressive. Could you go stand over there next to your pretty sister, please?"

"Sure, I don't see why…hey!"

Mr. Wonka moved on to shake Toph's hand, ignoring the Water Tribe boy's outburst. He held out his hand for a few seconds, waiting for the girl to take it. When the seconds passed in awkward silence, his smile dropped a fraction of a degree. "Err…Miss?"

"Toph," she said simply. "And I'm blind."

He blinked. "Ah. I see."

"Got a problem with that?"

"No, of course not, dear child! You are more than welcome at Wonka's! That much I can most definitely assure you."

She didn't look impressed. "If this ends up being a rip-off," she stated, matter-of-factly. "I'm going to tear a giant hole in your factory. Don't think I'm kidding either."

"She really isn't," Zuko spoke up. "She's done it before, you know."

Mr. Wonka blinked again, not quite sure what to say to that.

"Charming," he finally choked out as Toph stomped past him through the main gate. "Just…charming…" He turned to Zuko, churning out the most radiant expression he could muster on such short notice. "Welcome to my chocolate factory, young man! I'm especially pleased to meet you!"

He reached out and grasped the unnerved teen by the shoulder. Zuko—who was used to assassination attempts and still had very vivid flashbacks of his Agni Kai against his father—responded without hesitation. He flinched violently and punched the man full-on in the stomach.

Mr. Wonka let out a sound like a deflating balloon as he sagged on to the pavement, holding his midsection in pain. His face was a beet red as he lay gasping at the Firebender's feet.

"I'm sorry!" he said quickly, looking alarmed. He glanced at the others, concerned that they would think he was returning to his former nefarious ways. "It…it was a reflex. You just sort of came at me, and I…"

"…'sfine…" the candy-maker gasped. "Just…just forget about it…"

"No, I don't think you understand," Zuko insisted. "You just had this creepy smile on your face, and I can't even tell you how many times I've almost been murdered in the past year. And I sort of had a bad experience with a clown when I was a kid…" he mumbled out the last part, looking embarrassed.

The others turned to him in interest. "Clowns?" Katara asked, the corners of her mouth twitching in a poorly-suppressed urge to laugh. "You're afraid of clowns?"

"What happened?" Toph wanted to know.

Zuko gave them a dark look. "I don't want to talk about it."

"But…"

"I SAID…I don't_…want_…to talk about it…!"

By now, Mr. Wonka had recovered enough to pull himself gingerly into a sitting position. "W-wonderful to meet you, Mr. um…" he trailed off, realizing that he never caught the young man's name. He waited hopefully for him to fill in the blank.

"Lee," Zuko said flatly. He was not about to give his real name to this questionable stranger, in spite of his remorse for having just caused his spleen to collapse on itself in one blow.

"Right! Lee…of course! Welcome, welcome!"

Aang chose that moment to step forward, rising up to his full height. He had not yet forgotten that this man had kissed Katara's hand, and was still very cross about it. As such, he frowned up at the man with as much authority as he could muster, his hands clenched into fists.

"Avatar Aang," he said.

Everyone in the group let out a collective gasp in horror.

"Way to go, Twinkles," Toph snapped. "Just let the cat out of the bag, why don't you?"

Zuko tensed, reaching slowly for the dual Dao swords strapped to his back. He was ready to carve a piece of this man's ass if the need arose, and Sokka seemed to be of a similar mind as he put his hand on the hilt of his space sword. But to their mutual surprise, the man simply laughed.

"Well, well, Avatar Aang," he said with a smile. "I read all about you in the papers. Didn't you lead that invasion on the capital city a few weeks ago? Quite an event, that's for sure. Really riveting, that was. I'm so happy for you!"

The boy blinked. "You're…_happy_ for me?"

"Why, yes. You survived, didn't you?"

"Um…well, yeah…but…"

"Enraptured," he continued, shaking Aang's hand buoyantly. "Entranced! Are we ready? Good!" He pulled the confused Airbender with him through the gate, and it slammed shut behind them. They could all hear the locking mechanism clicking into place with an ominous _thunk_.

It was definitely concerning, but they didn't panic just yet. They did have Toph with them, after all. It was quite useful having a Metalbender in the group. Just saying.

"In we go," said Mr. Wonka briskly, marching down the cobblestone path leading up to the front door of the factory. The members of the gaang exchanged more weird looks (except for Toph, obviously) before cautiously following him up the steps and into the dark and gloomy building. They were greeted with a large sign in several bright and friendly colors that read: "Wonka's!" in neat kanji.

Underneath it, however, someone had smeared the words, "Abandon all hope, all ye who enter," in what looked eerily like blood.

Oh, yes. There was definitely something off about this place.

The group moved into the foyer, looking around at the odd decorations lining the walls. There were a number of hand-shaped protrusions sticking out of the metal, reaching out towards them as though silently offering to shake their hands. Mr. Wonka was clearly trying to appear hospitable, but this was just plain ridiculous.

"Hats, cloaks, and pointy-boots over here," he said, pointing at the wall with the hands. "But hurry please! For we have so much time and so little to see!"

They started towards the wall, but froze as Mr. Wonka let out a bark.

"Wait a minute!"

They stopped short, not daring to breathe as they wheeled around to stare at their host. The purple-clad man smiled at them for a dramatic beat. "Strike that. Reverse it," he said, gesturing with both of his hands, spinning them in a hamster-wheel fashion to illustrate his point. "Thank you."

Zuko and Sokka still had their hands on their weapons. The candy-maker was clearly insane. All they needed was one good provocation to carve him up like a thanksgiving turkey-goose.

"When do I get my chocolate?" Toph demanded gruffly.

"First, take off your cloak," said Katara. "I'm sure he'll give it to us soon."

Demonstrating her point, the Waterbender went to hang hers on the nearest hand, thinking that it was an ordinary wall-decoration. She was most surprised when the fingers unexpectedly closed around the garment, pulling it out of her grip before she could so much as gasp. She let out a startled squeak, then yelped as another of the hands made a grab for her chest.

She darted backwards, her arms folded protectively across her breasts. "T-those things just tried to…tried to…"

"Little surprises run around every corner," Mr. Wonka advised her firmly, holding out his hands in a mollifying manner. "But nothing dangerous!" He gave her a reassuring smile, lowering his hands to his sides. "Don't be alarmed. And as soon as your outer vestments are in hand, we can begin."

No one wanted to hang anything on the creepy wall-hands, but it was clear by the impatient tapping of the man's foot that they wouldn't take another step inside his factory unless they complied with this request. Reluctantly, the others turned to the wall and cautiously started putting their cloaks within reach so the hands could take them.

Toph let out a laugh as the hand took hers. "That's neat," she said. "Right, Katara?"

"Yeah," she grumbled, shooting the hands a venomous look. "Real neat."

Mr. Wonka waited politely for them to finish relieving themselves of their outer garments before addressing them again. "Now," he said. "Will the five of you please step up here."

He prodded the tip of his cane on the tiles under his feet. He happened to be standing on a small dais in front of a large velvet curtain. The group raked their eyes over it curiously (except for Toph, on whom the ostentatious purple fabric was wasted), wondering what lay underneath it.

"Is that the chocolate?" Aang asked, hoping for a peek.

In answer, Mr. Wonka found the pulley and drew the curtain aside, revealing a large document of sorts. It was printed in large kanji…at first. But as the words flowed on and on, the print became frustratingly smaller, until finally they would have needed a microscope to be able to read it all. Sokka, who was most prone to being impressed by a fancy-looking contract, began scrutinizing it.

"Is this…a disclaimer?" he asked uncertainly. He started to read aloud to the rest of the group. "Hereas the Management cannot be held responsible for any accidents, incidents, loss of property or life or limbs…and…whereas for damage caused by lightning, earthquakes, floods, fire, frost, or frippery of any sort, kind or condition, consequentially the undersigned undertake responsibility…" The Water Tribe boy looked up with a start. "It _is _a disclaimer!"

"Toph," said Mr. Wonka, holding out a pen for the blind girl. "You first."

The girl lifted an eyebrow. "Are you making me sign first because I can't read?" she asked bluntly.

"Um…n-noooooo…?"

She stared at him with non-seeing eyes for a minute, her expression nonplussed. "Meh," she said, snatching the pen from him. "It's not like I have anything to lose, anyway. That cloak wasn't even mine to begin with."

Mr. Wonka let out a sigh of relief. "Sign here," he said, tapping the spot with his cane.

Toph stepped forward to make a scribble with the pen, but Katara stepped forward and caught the girl by the shoulder.

"Hold it," she said. "Toph, don't you sign anything." She turned an accusing glare at the chocolate-seller. "What's this all about?" she demanded.

The blonde man attempted to feign innocence. "Standard form of contract," he said benignly, carefully not meeting the girl's cerulean blue eyes as he fiddled with his cane.

"Don't talk to us about contracts," said Zuko flatly. "I've dealt with politicians before, and nine times out of ten they use contracts to sucker people."

Mr. Wonka turned a curious stare at him. "Yes, but surely you wouldn't begrudge me a little protection," he said, pinching his forefinger and thumb together. "A drop."

The Firebender folded his arms. "I don't think so. Either answer Katara's question, or we're leaving."

The man looked tired. He shook his head slowly, trying to merely appear chagrined as his mind began racing for a way out of this. After a minute of two of silent deliberation, he turned to Zuko with an almost malicious smile on his face.

"I wasn't aware you were involved in politics, Lee. At what point during your career did you have that unfortunate incident with the clown?"

The group turned to him in tandem, successfully having been distracted.

"I don't. Want. To. Talk about it," Zuko spat through gritted teeth. "And I don't sign anything without a lawyer present."

"Toph isn't signing anything either," Katara interjected, starting to lead the smaller girl away (much to the Earthbender's visible annoyance). "And you're horrible for trying to take advantage of us like that!"

"If she doesn't sign, then she doesn't get to go in the factory." Mr. Wonka held up his hands in surrender. "I'm sorry, rules of the house."

Toph ground her feet into the metal, using her bending to dig them into the floor. Katara was forced into an abrupt halt, and the Earthbender used the moment of surprise to wrench her way out of the Waterbender's grip.

"I want to go in," she said angrily. "Don't you dare stop me, Sugar Queen!"

Katara was dumbfounded. "I…I was only trying to help, Toph."

The blind girl ignored her friend, striding back towards Mr. Wonka and snatching the pen out of his hand. "Give me that," she snapped, turning to the giant piece of parchment and slashing an x-mark on it. "You're always ruining things…" she grumbled.

The Waterbender huffed. "Excuse me? I _ruin_ things? Since when?"

"Remember when you tried to kill my budding career as a con-artist?" Toph shot back. "Back in that Fire Nation village where they called me the Blind Bandit? You even went through my things and violated my privacy, and…"

"I was _right _to stop you! You were out of control! Besides," she said quickly, turning red in outrage. "…if I remember correctly, I helped you pull off your scams."

Toph snorted. "Yeah. Once. And that was the time we got caught by Combustion Man. Way to go, Sweetness. You sure know how to kill fun in the early throes of life."

Katara sucked in her breath. "Take that back!"

"Oh, yeah? Make me. Prove you can handle a bit of fun." The Earthbender slammed a hand over the piece of paper, making it crinkled and leaving a hand-sized indentation in the wall behind it. "Sign the contract and come inside the scary candy factory with me."

The Waterbender bit her lip. "I…I don't know…"

Toph started clucking like a chicken-pig. The doubt fled from the older girl's eyes faster than Aang when confronted with a tray of meat dumplings. Mr. Wonka offered her the pen, and Katara grasped it tightly in her hand as she carefully signed her name underneath Toph's x-mark.

"I am most certainly _not_ chicken," she said snappishly.

Mr. Wonka smiled approvingly at Toph. "Nicely handled," he said. He turned to the others. "This is a girl who clearly knows where she's going."

"Wait a minute," said Sokka. "What's all the small print at the bottom?"

"Oh, yes," said the older man. "If you have any problems, dial information. Thank you for calling." He took the pen back from Katara, ignoring the boy's blatant confusion as he turned to the remaining two. "Aang? Lee?"

Zuko took the offered pen, handling it as though it might explode in his face at any second. "I assume there's some sort of accident indemnity clause…?" he said hopefully, glancing at Mr. Wonka.

"Never between friends," he replied without skipping a beat.

Meanwhile, Aang had already scribbled his name down next to Katara's, taking the time to draw a little heart in between their names. That way it would be more than clear who would be kissing the girl's hand in the future. Certainly not some creepy candy-maker in a purple tuxedo.

"I read this in a novel once," said Sokka slowly. "This guy signed his wife's insurance policy…then he bumped her off."

"Clever," Mr. Wonka agreed.

This made Aang pause in mid-scribble. Suddenly, he had misgivings about drawing the heart. What if Katara got the wrong idea now that Sokka had said that? Fortunately, now that she had signed her name, the Waterbender didn't pay the contract another glance.

"I guess I have nothing to lose either," said Zuko with a sigh.

After all, he had already thrown his lot in with his country's most hated foe, broken up with his girlfriend and abandoned his comfortable life as the crown prince of said country in the process. He couldn't see how signing this contract could somehow make things worse for him.

"That's the spirit," said Mr. Wonka, reaching to pat him on the shoulder. But Zuko, seeing the movement out of the corner of his eye, immediately whipped out one of his swords and almost took the man's fingers off in one swipe.

"Don't touch me," he said firmly. "I know of at least fifty ways to kill a man, and all but four of them can be made to look like an accident."

The blonde man just stared, his mouth agape and his hand twitching. It was Toph who broke the silence.

"Come on!" she called. "I want to go into the factory!"

It was this strident demand that broke the candy-maker out of his stupefied trance. He coughed into the sleeve of his tuxedo jacket, trying to appear unruffled by the death threat. However, he was still rather pale underneath his smart-looking purple bow-tie and top hat.

"Patience," said Mr. Wonka, his voice strained. He coughed again, trying to put some more confidence into his tone. "Patience, little dear. Everything has to be in order." He waited for Sokka to finish signing his name before taking the pen back. "Everyone signed? Yes? Good! On we go!"

Toph nodded in approval as she followed the eccentric man off the dais and down the corridor leading deeper into the establishment. Aang was on her heels, spurred on at the promise of imminent and chocolaty abandon. The others trailed behind, not as enthusiastic as the two youngest members of their group, and certainly no-where near as enthusiastic as the man in the tuxedo.

Mr. Wonka led them on, his cane held aloft on his shoulder like a soldier with his gun…not that any of Team Avatar knew what a gun was. However, the man continued to march briskly down the hall until they all came across a large door with a combination lock. Not skipping a beat, he took the lock in his hands and began turning it to the left.

"Ninety-nine," he said, then began turning it to the right. "Forty-four…" he started turning it back to the left again. "One hundred percent pure."

The lock clicked open and the door creaked on its hinges, beckoning inwards.

"Just through the other door, please."

The five pushed their way past Mr. Wonka, each shooting the man dubious looks as they filed into the next room (except for Toph, of course). However, it soon became quite obvious that there was no other door to go through. And as the room became more and more crowded, the members of the Gaang were practically tripping over each other trying to find some breathing room. They would have gone back out the way they came, but the door had already snapped shut behind them, sealing the youngsters in the confined space with the candy-maker.

"There's no way out!" Toph cried as she was squashed into the back wall. She elbowed the person next to her, and Sokka let out a pained yelp.

"Hey!"

"Ow! Sokka, that was my foot!" Katara hissed. She ended up bumping into Zuko, who was getting flustered as he narrowly avoided brushing against her in what could be construed as an offensive manner. He tried to give the Waterbender more room, but tripped over Aang and bounced off of another wall. Before he could peel himself off, Sokka collided into him, squashing the scarred teen against the metal.

"I could have sworn there was a door somewhere," said Mr. Wonka as he rapped against the other walls.

"Help!" Aang gasped. "I…I can't breathe!"

"Someone's touching me…!" Katara complained, but froze as she saw Mr. Wonka's searching hand as it probed along the front of her body. "Eep…!"

"Whoops! Not there, either!"

"You did that on purpose!"

But Mr. Wonka feigned deafness as he continued to search for the exit. Meanwhile, the others continued to push and shove each other, trying desperately not to suffocate.

"Let me out or I'll scream!" Toph yelled over everyone.

However, she soon realized that being as small as she was, no one was going to pay any attention to her, and she was the most likely to get crushed in such a tight space. So, quite fed up at this point, the Metalbender took her stance and got a firm grip on the wall behind her.

"Wait…what are you doing?" said Mr. Wonka suddenly, nearly dropping his hat in alarm. "Miss Toph?"

The answer came at him at nearly seventy-miles per hour, the answer being a solid pillar of steel that the girl sent hurtling at the man's face. It nearly took his head off, but fortunately he managed to duck just in the nick of time. However, it slammed into the locked door and blasted it right off its hinges. It landed heavily on the floor of the next room with a loud clank, looking like the discarded lid of a can of sardines.

No one dared to move or breathe as the pint-sized Earthbender squirmed her way past them and into the hallway. She took several deep, calming breaths, her expression wild and vaguely bestial. Eventually, however, she got a hold of herself as a rather troubling detail caught her attention.

"Hey…" she said, running her bare foot slowly along the floor. "That's weird. This hallway feels different from the one we came in through."

The others peered through the doorway she had already crossed.

"It _is_ different," said Sokka, astonished. "But…wasn't that the way we came in?"

"Maybe we were in an elevator?" Zuko suggested.

And just like that, the magic was sucked clean out of the phenomenon. That was what the Fire Prince was good at, after all. He was their daily-recommended dosage of blunt realism, and did his job quite well, thank you very much.

"Let's just get this over with," said Katara murderously. She was in a very sour mood after having been groped for the third time in less than an hour. "Before someone leaves in a body-bag."

The others muttered in agreement, causing Mr. Wonka to gulp in apprehension.

"Um…yes. Anyway, if you would like to press onwards…" he gestured forwards with his cane.

Against their better judgment, Team Avatar followed the man down the new hallway like cattle lining up for the slaughter. However, as the man went further on, the space between the floor and the ceiling started to shrink; until Mr. Wonka stood hunched over in front of the door all the way down at the end.

"Hey, the room is getting smaller," said Toph.

"No, he's getting bigger!" Sokka gasped.

Everyone stopped and gave the Water Tribe boy a deadpan look (except, of course, for a certain blind Earthbender). He looked from one incredulous face to another, one by one until he finally let his innocent awestruck expression drop.

"Okay, fine. I was joking. Sheesh." He lowered his eyes and muttered to himself. "Try to liven up the place, and they practically form an angry mob. It's like a funeral parlor in here."

Everyone turned back to Mr. Wonka expectantly.

"Where's the chocolate?" Aang practically whined, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. He was getting increasingly disheartened by this unpleasant experience, and so far there were no sweets to be had. This was more disappointing than the time he had gone to the Avatar Day festival back in Chin Village.

"I doubt that there is any," said Zuko optimistically (for him, at least) as he narrowed his eyes at the tuxedo-wearing lunatic in front of them.

"I doubt any of us will make it out of this place alive," Sokka added, always the paranoid one.

The man just smiled. "Oh, you should never, ever doubt what no one is sure about," he chimed, twisting the knob behind his back. "My dear friends," he continued. "You are now about to enter the nerve center to the entire Wonka factory."

He let them digest that for a beat.

"Inside this room, all of my dreams become realities…" he bit his lower lip as it practically quivered in fond reminiscence of the vague candy-making processes that undoubtedly occurred on the other side of the door. "…and some of my realities become dreams. And almost everything you'll see is eatable…edible…I mean, you can eat almost everything…" he rambled, gesturing in his excitement.

"Just open the door, already," Toph snapped, killing the moment.

Mr. Wonka's smile dropped. He almost frowned. But then he picked up his smile and put it right back on his face where it belonged.

"Now, don't get overexcited," he said. "Don't lose your head, Toph. We wouldn't want anyone to lose that…"

And then he turned away from the girl and began fiddling with the door knob again. Everyone was left in a very uncomfortable silence as they pieced together the meaning of those ominous words.

"Did…he just…threaten me?" Toph asked, turning to the others for confirmation.

"Maybe we should…I dunno…leave?" said Aang. "I mean, this is starting to sound kind of dangerous. I'm getting a bad feeling, and I haven't even gotten any chocolate yet."

"Wait, what?" the blind girl said, swiveling back towards the sound of the monk's voice. "Are you crazy? That was awesome! This guy has some balls to threaten the most powerful Earthbender in the world…and like you said, we never got our chocolate." She folded her arms. "I say we keep going."

Everyone else just shrugged as Mr. Wonka finally got the door unlocked. With as flamboyant a gesture as possible, he pushed the door open. It swung backwards, causing light to spill forth into the hallway. The group of young teens (minus Toph) were forced to shield their unprotected faces, lest they all go blind as badgermoles.

When their eyes adjusted, they peered into the next room and let out a gasp.

"I…I think this room is bigger inside than it is on the outside," said Zuko slowly. "I know it sounds crazy but…wow."

They were in a vast, flourishing garden that stretched as far as the eye could see. It was complete with lush trees and neatly trimmed bushes, plump toadstools and teacup shaped flowers, foliage with deep vivid colors everywhere one looked. And apparently all of it, _all of it_, was edible. There were gummy platypus-bear benches and lollipop trees, gumdrop's growing on the trees along with malted milk balls and jawbreakers. It looked like a rainbow threw up all over the place.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," said Mr. Wonka grandly. "Boys and girls…the Chocolate Room!"

"Impressive, but not quite perfect," said Sokka, rubbing his chin as he scrutinized the garden. "If only there were meat in this place…but then, that would be too good to be true."

"Well, we do have chocolate-covered bacon…somewhere…"

There was a brief pause.

"I'm home…" the Water Tribe boy murmured, hugging himself as his eyes glazed over in happiness. "Home…!"

* * *

**A/N: So, chapter one is done and also complete. I hope you guys enjoyed this little fic of mine. I know it's not your conventional Avatar fic, but I'm sure that someone out there will take some enjoyment out of this…even if it's only the questionable Mr. Wonka himself.**

**First and foremost, ninety-nine percent of Wonka's lines were lifted directly from the DVD. Yes, I happen to have a copy of the Gene Wilder version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on DVD. Now get over it and stop judging me. There's a reason I keep it next to a copy of SAW on my DVD shelf.**

**The two scripts might have bleeded together a bit in the making of this fanfic. Oh, well. The Gaang did sign a contract saying they would take _full responsibility_ for any damages they incur during their visit. You know that will just bite them in the ass later…just like most contracts do.**

**Team Avatar obtains their Golden Tickets through similar means as Charlie Bucket and co. Only instead of opening hundreds upon hundreds of candy bars to find theirs, Zuko just happens to pick up five fortune-cookies with the Golden Tickets stuffed inside of them. Because let's face it, that guy has to have the shittiest luck on the planet. If anyone could manage to get five tickets to a questionable sweets factory run by someone who is arguably a serial killer, it would be Zuko.**

**Of course, I love Suki to death, but only five people could go into the factory. If it were a toss-up between her and Toph, we all know who's going in and who's staying behind. Plus, I can't see Suki getting overly-fixated with chocolate like the others would. She's markedly more mature than her companions (probably on par with Katara as the voice of reason; only, as we can see here, the Waterbender can be stubborn and easily provoked). **

**But don't worry. Suki will show up in later chapters. For now, though, she will take the humble suggestion of her fortune cookie and take a sick day. Sokka will understand, and is secretly planning on bringing his girlfriend back a ton of chocolate just for her.**

**Hey! It's free! Come on!**

**The tsumgi-horn line was a nod to all the fanfictions that have Zuko being this prodigy tsumgi-hornist. I just kind of giggled at the mental image of a single room of his summer home covered wall to wall with tsumgi-horns. Just friggin' tsumgi-horns and nothing else. Even Zuko is confused by that one.**

**And speaking of poor Zuko, he is just not comforted at all by Mr. Wonka. After all the knocks the guy suffers in his life, he already has some major trust issues. His own father left his permanent signature on the side of his face, for crying out loud. I'm sorry, but a crazed lunatic in a purple tuxedo and matching top-hat with blonde hair is not going to inspire much confidence or trust in him. **

**Especially one that smiles as often as Mr. Wonka does. Zuko is more than creeped out by the man, and just does not want him within touching range (hence the crazy-paranoid sword-toting you see at various points in this chapter). And, quite frankly, he is probably in his right mind to be wary considering what happens to Katara; who is totally all for trusting strangers and giving them the benefit of the doubt…up to a point.**

**Up to a point.**

**Naturally, both Aang and Sokka become protective of Katara, but since they're about to be locked in a chocolate factory all day, you just know how useless they're going to be in warding off sexual harassment. And before any of you guys climb up on to your high-horse about how "unfunny" it is to allude to the sexual harassment of a minor in a fanfic…remember that you're reading a fanfic. Get over it. That's why it has a T rating.**

**Yes, I get that it's a serious issue and it's terrible and disgusting and all that…in real life. But this is strictly a humor fic (i.e. work of pure fiction and nothing more) and not to be taken seriously. I'm only saying this because I got some negative feedback on another fic I wrote, "Don't Drop the Soap," which, as a dark humor fic, focuses on Zuko as he tries to adjust to his life as an inmate at the Boiling Rock. As the title suggests, it is not an innocent one-shot, and I actually make a little nod to that fic early on in this chapter when he gets déjà vu. I wanted to put a reference in somewhere, and there it is.**

**For the most part I'm going to be sticking strictly to the events that happen as they unfold in the movie…with certain changes at key parts, of course. You can expect a great many things to go awry in the chocolate room, making Mr. Wonka start to regret having sent out those Golden Tickets. And, obviously, someone is going to take a tumble in the chocolate river. But who?**

**Well? Want to find out? REVIEW!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey, all. I'm back with the second chapter, and man…you can really see my sanity eroding the longer this fic goes on for. Can you guys believe I managed to write out an actual plot for this crack-tastic story? I mean, with villains and motives and EVERYTHING?**

**It's all disguised as an innocent chocolate factory. And Team Avatar is about to find out just how skin-deep this brand of innocence really is.**

**Well, I'm not giving you guys any spoilers. Just read and review.**

* * *

**Chapter Two: The Chocolate River**

"Hold your breath," said Mr. Wonka dreamily. "Make a wish. Count to three."

Sokka stared hungrily at the chocolaty wealth surrounding him, and both Zuko and Katara had to hold him back to keep him from pouncing into the room like a starved tigerdillo. Toph's expression was completely flat as the others gazed in awe at their surroundings. But Aang had the most overjoyed look on his face by far, as though Christmas had come miraculously early.

"This is amazing…!"

"Meh," said Toph.

"Meh? Just _meh?"_ Sokka cried, turning to her in disbelief. "This has to be the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my…oh."

She just smirked at him and waved a hand in front of her face. "Blind girl standing right here. Way to be sensitive, you guys."

"You might not be able to see," said Mr. Wonka. "But you can definitely _imagine_!"

She turned in his direction. "Actually, I _can _see…just not the way you do." Her smirk deepened as she folded her arms across her body, feeling quite tall and superior. "I use Earthbending to sense the vibrations with my feet. I can see everything…you…that funny-shaped tree over there…that giant waterfall…everything…"

But the tuxedo-wearing man ignored her, staring almost nostalgically out at the landscape surrounding them. He pulled his cane against his chest and began to stroke it feather-soft with the pads of his fingertips, his eyes glimmering with a strange emotion. It was quiet reverence to such a magical place.

"Come with me," he began to sing. "And you'll be…in a world of pure imagination…! Take a look…" he swiveled his cane abruptly to the left, almost clubbing Zuko in the face with it. "…and you'll see into your imagination…!"

"No," said Toph flatly.

"Um…what?"

"No. Stop singing. Right now. You're not impressing anybody except yourself, you know."

Mr. Wonka blinked at her for a moment, not sure what to do. His mouth opened and closed for a few seconds, making him look like a gaping fish out of water. Glancing quickly from left to right in a shifty manner, he decided to just ignore the girl and keep on singing.

"Let's begin," he belted out, trotting down the marble steps. "Take a spin…traveling in the world of my creation…! What we'll see…will defy explanation…!"

They started after him down the steps, only to be hindered by the cane again. After that they learned not to get too close to Mr. Wonka while he was singing. He was seriously going to take someone's eye out with that thing.

"If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it," he sang. Then, he happened to glance at Katara, who had made the mistake of taking her eyes off him to get a better look at the butterscotch bushes in the distance. "Anything you want to…_do it_…"

He reached out and started stroking the girl's hair, making her stiffen like a board.

"Want to change the world…" he jerked his hand and plucked out a single hair of hers, causing the girl to shriek in pain. "…there's nothing to it…!"

And then he danced away, still singing to himself in a dazed reverie.

No one said anything as the man in purple continued on without them, still warbling in a dream-like fashion that was starting to haunt them. All they could do was watch him as he teetered around like a lunatic. Gradually they came to meet each other's gazes, and in a single gesture they shrugged; having unanimously decided to just let the man float away by himself. It was much more promising being left to their own devices in a giant forest made of candy.

"What's his problem, anyway?" Toph asked, miffed. "That guy is off his rocker."

"I'll say," Katara grumbled, still rubbing the top of her head in an affronted manner. "Someone should have that guy arrested…or break his limbs…or something…"

Aang looked at her in alarm. "But…I…I thought you learned that violence doesn't solve anything and that revenge is pointless! Remember when you and Zuko went looking for the guy who killed your mother?" He looked at her hopefully. "Remember how you _forgave_ him for what he did and found closure for everything that happened that day?"

She looked at the monk like he was crazy. "I don't know who told you that I forgave Yon-Rha. I certainly don't remember saying it…and I sure as hell don't remember doing it."

"But…but…you didn't kill him!"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Doesn't mean I still don't want to deep down inside. I have a whole lot of pent-up aggression stored up inside of me, and Mr. Touchy Feely in the purple suit is just begging for a lot of misplaced frustration. I'm just saying."

Zuko, hearing this, immediately took several steps away from the Waterbender (and from Aang, out of good measure). But Katara saw this and gave him a look.

"Oh, calm down. I forgave _you_, remember?"

"How do I know you're not just saying that?" he said. "How do I know you're not just planning on taking out some of your frustration on me?"

Katara's scowl deepened. "What's the matter, Zuko? Scared?" She took a menacing step towards him. "Hmmm…I think someone has a guilty conscience. _Should_ I be targeting you, Zuko? Is that what you're trying to tell me? That I need to treat you like a problem?"

Everyone blinked at the girl…except for Sokka (who was quite used to his sister's bouts of PMS) and Toph (who was still blind). Katara had Zuko backed up against a wall and was staring up into his face, looking like she was ready to drive a dagger into his heart at a moment's notice. It was so unlike her and vaguely frightening.

She was also dangerously close to him, and Zuko was afraid to even breathe out of fear of accidentally bad-touching her. That would surely be the death of him.

"I…I'm not scared…"

She nodded in approval at his statement, tremulous as it had sounded. "That's good," she purred. "Friends should trust each other…shouldn't they?"

"Um…okay?"

And just like that, the lethal aura surrounding the Waterbender evaporated on the spot. She smiled, turning towards the others and looking much more like the sweet, nurturing mother-figure they all knew and loved. "Great!" she chirped. "So, let's get ourselves some chocolate."

Those were the magic words. The moment of subtle lethality was quickly and immediately driven out of their minds, all except for Zuko. He was still clinging to that wall, looking very pale and traumatized. It wasn't every day that he got shaken down by a murderous Waterbender who _also _happened to be an angry teenage girl. Needless to say, the experience had left him a bit shell-shocked.

"There is no life I know to compare to pure imagination…" Mr. Wonka sang on, completely oblivious as he twirled around a giant, edible toadstool parasol. "Living there you'll be free if you truly wish to be…!"

* * *

The gaang started to wander off in different directions, eager to explore the magical candy-land they had stumbled into. And, doing what humans do best when faced with the pure, untouched splendor of nature, they literally ran amok and sought to devour everything they could get their hands on. Sokka was clinging to a candy-cane lamp fixture and licking the striped paint off of it.

"….'sgood…!" he slobbered.

Toph just nodded slowly before stomping her foot into the ground, causing a massive tremor and flooring several candy trees at once. Gumballs rained down from the crumbling branches, scattering on the floor and rolling around everywhere.

Aang and Katara were examining a giant toadstool filled with clotted cream when Zuko came over to them, too wary to touch anything.

"What an amazing factory," said the monk, dipping his finger into the gloppy white substance and tasting it. "Huh…this is kind of salty."

Katara blinked and backed away from it. "I…think I'm going to try a different candy…"

She left them alone and went to sit by the teacup flowers, visibly perturbed. However, she paused to shoot the Firebender a venomous look, as though silently blaming him for the questionable mushroom. Zuko gave her a wide berth before turning to the Airbender. Undeterred by the strange flavor, Aang was eating fistfuls of the creamy goop (which was actually a rare form of nougat, and not whatever it was you people thought it was).

"What's her problem?" the Airbender asked in between mouthfuls.

Zuko frowned. "That's what I want to know," he mumbled. "She really has it out for me all of a sudden…and I thought she had forgiven me for Ba-Sing-Se…"

"She did," said Aang. "That's not why she's mad at you."

"Huh?"

"Well, earlier today I heard her telling Suki that she saw you take the last of the fire flakes, and she had needed them for a recipe she was going to try."

Zuko shook his head. "And that's an appropriate reason to take out a death warrant on me?" he asked incredulously. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! And this isn't like her at all!"

Aang just shrugged. "I think it's like she was saying before. She's got a lot of misplaced frustration stored up inside of her…only the person she's really mad at is Mr. Wonka. He's a creepy jerk." The Avatar scowled at the recollection of the blonde man's many offenses. "But Monk Gyatso told me that revenge only destroys you in the end…and I'm _not_ going to bash in his kneecaps with a club made of peppermint."

The Fire Prince gave him a concerned look. "That…was oddly specific, Aang."

The monk just stared at him with solemn gray eyes, a stormy expression casting his face in menacing shadow. Zuko decided that it would be best to leave the younger boy alone as well. Instead, he went over to where Sokka was making an idiot of himself by the river.

Toph was laughing at the Water Tribe boy as he attempted to do the worm across the candy-button cobblestones, with mixed results. Zuko lifted his one good eyebrow at the sight, mouthing the words: "_What the fuck…?_"

But he didn't actually say what he was thinking because he knew Toph was listening. So he just pointed to Sokka and asked, "What's wrong with him?"

The Earthbender giggled. "I think he managed to find the one thing in this place that wasn't edible and tried to eat it." She gestured towards the candy-striped lamp-post he had been gnawing on earlier. The paint was now smeared where Sokka had run his tongue along it. "That paint is flavored, but it's not exactly safe. He's hallucinating."

"_I am the happy squid…!_"

Zuko blinked. "Shouldn't we…I dunno…try to stop him? Before he hurts himself?"

"I'm supervising him, don't worry," Toph assured him. "Besides, this is almost as entertaining as that time he went and drank cactus juice in the Si Wong Desert. Now _that_ was comedy."

Sokka leapt up and starting waving his arms in the air in a most noodley fashion. "Paaaaaaaaaaasta…!"

By now, the boy's cries had gotten the attention of the other two members of Team Avatar. Rushing over, they crowded around him and stared, mouths agape. Katara lifted her gaze to Zuko and glared, clearly holding him responsible.

Immediately, the Firebender was filled with the urgent need to justify himself. "I didn't do it!"

"He's telling the truth, Sugar Queen. Sparky's innocent this time. Snoozles just went and licked something he shouldn't have again."

The Waterbender sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "What am I going to do with him? We can't take him around the factory acting like _this_."

"I don't see why not," Toph replied, causing the older girl to shoot her a horrified look.

Aang was losing interest in Sokka's drug-induced antics, and was now staring at the bubbling brown river that flowed majestically through the area. His nose turned at it, though, visibly repulsed at the sight of so much waste.

"What a disgusting river," Zuko muttered, coming to stand next to him on the bank.

"It's industrial waste," said Katara without looking up from her brother. "Like the kind that was polluting the water in that river village, remember?"

"You mean the one where everyone thought you were the Painted Lady?" Toph asked.

Mr. Wonka suddenly appeared, climbing out of the bushes like a sex-offender and dusting off his purple-tuxedo. Zuko actually flinched and whipped out his dao swords again, pointing them at the candy-maker; but the man blithely side-stepped the blades and pointed at the river with his cane.

"Actually, it's chocolate."

Everyone turned to look at him in shock. Toph frowned and stomped the ground, trying to get a feel of the river through the vibrations in the earth. Her brow furrowed.

"He's right," she said. "I can't sense any dirt or mud or anything in there. It's pure chocolate, just like he said…!"

"_That's _chocolate…?" said Katara in disbelief.

Aang's face lit up. "That's chocolate," he repeated in cheerful agreement. "A chocolate river! It's the most fantastic thing I've ever seen!"

"If by _fantastic_ you mean a tremendous waste of natural resources," said Zuko slowly. "Then yeah. I suppose it is pretty fantastic."

"Ten thousand gallons an hour," said Mr. Wonka, clasping the Firebender by the shoulder. The teen cringed and resisted the urge to skewer the man with his swords. "And look at my waterfall! That's the most important thing!"

Everyone (except for Toph) looked to where he was pointing and saw a giant waterfall crashing down on the mocha rocks below. They all held their breath, all except for a very unimpressed blind girl who folded her arms and wore a very disdained expression on her face.

"I have to say, Mr. Wonka, this factory just does _nothing_ for me."

The man in the top hat had learned to ignore her by now, if only for the sake of the plot. "It's mixing my chocolate. It's actually _churning_ my _chocolate_…!" He leaned in to whisper confidingly in Zuko's good ear. "You know, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall."

Zuko took a deep breath. "Please…stop touching me…"

More feigned deafness. "But it's really the only way," he continued to whisper. "If you want to get it…just…right…" And then he leaned in further and licked the Firebender on the neck, right underneath his earlobe. "Mmmmmm…."

The Firebender reacted violently, and soon there were many bursts of flame shooting out of his fists that forced his teammates to duck and cover. Several of the trees were set on fire as Mr. Wonka swiftly released the scarred teen and danced out of range of his attacks. He smirked coquettishly at him, waggling his eyebrows as he fingered his cane.

"Temper, temper…" he said with a teasing grin.

"Hey, look over there!" Aang cried, pointing across the river suddenly. "A bunch of little men!"

Zuko went rigid, eyes locked on the troop of orange-faced midgets literally crawling out of the chocolate boulders. They were wearing white jumpsuits with green pom-poms on the frills that matched their vivid green hair. They were carrying bags of cane sugar that were as big as they were over their shoulders and loading into wheelbarrows.

"Oh, them?" Toph said to Aang. "Yeah, I noticed those guys a while ago. I just kind of figured they were factory workers…or slave labor. This _is _the Fire Nation, after all."

The scarred teen felt his breathing constrict in his chest as some of them started over towards them. He backed away, taking a Firebending stance and watching them with wild eyes.

"Hey," said Katara, coming to stand next to Zuko. "Are you all right? You look terrible."

It seemed that now that she was no longer the only person getting sexually harassed by Mr. Wonka, she was a lot more lenient towards the former prince. She put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle shake, trying to snap him out of it.

"W-What are those things…?" he choked, edging away. "They can't be real people…!"

Mr. Wonka sighed. "Of course they're real people. That's quite a culturally sensitive view-point you got going on there, Lee…real nice."

Zuko ignored that. "But they look just like…like…"

"Midget clowns?" Aang suggested.

Everyone gave Zuko a token glance at this, none of them having forgotten his admission of having a clown phobia. But their host was quick to get their attention back.

"No," Mr. Wonka corrected. "Not clowns. Oompa-Loompas."

There was a moment's pause before the group chorused out, "_Oompa-Loompas…?_"

The candy-maker just smiled and plucked a strand of licorice from a nearby tree. He chewed on this for a few seconds before acknowledging the unasked question. "From Loompa-Land," he explained in between nibbles.

Katara wheeled around and gave the man a highly skeptical, highly suspicious look. She glanced once at the troop of little-men, who seemed slightly downtrodden and gloomy as they went about their work. And that was all it took for her Oppression-and-Tyranny senses to start tingling.

But she still had no idea who these little-people were or what kind of trouble they were in. She needed more information, and for that, she needed to grill the suspected tyrant in question.

"Loompa-Land?" she repeated. "There's no such place!"

"Excuse me, dear lady—"

But the Waterbender wasn't having any of it. "Mr. Wonka, I might not be the best with maps and geography…that was always Sokka's strong-point, not mine. But even _I _can tell you that—"

Interruptions abound today. The purple-clad man cut the girl off mid-sentence, before she could so much as bite out her sheer and unerring disbelief. "Oh, then he must know all about it and what a terrible country it is…or he would, if he wasn't having some unfortunate side-effects of the peppermint paint. That stuff is still in the experimenting stages, you know…"

They were about to question him when Sokka unexpectedly shot up into a sitting position, a bright smile on his face. By now his pupils had dilated to three times their normal size, and they were fixed on the little orange people coming towards them. He held out his arms, as though itching to scoop them up in a bone-crushing hug.

"Maybe they're FRIENDLY!"

Mr. Wonka blinked. "Ahem…anyway…Loompa-Land was such a terrible place, like I was saying earlier." He lowered his voice to deep, sympathetic tones as he cast a pointed glance at the little men across the river. "Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts…and the poor little Oompa-Loompas were so small and helpless they would get gobbled up right and left…"

Aang looked as though they were being devoured right in front of him this very instant. "That's…that's terrible…" he breathed, wearing his most poignant kicked-puppy expression.

"Yes. A Wang-Doodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. So, I said _"Come live with me…in peace and safety…away from the Wang-Doodles and Horn-Swagglers…and Snoz-Wangers…and ROTTEN Vermicious Knids…"_"

"Snoz-Wangers!" Katara echoed. "Vermicious Knids…! What kind of idiots do you take us for, anyway? There are no such things as—"

"I'm sorry, but all questions _must _be submitted in writing."

The Waterbender huffed and folded her arms, allowing him to continue with his story.

"And so, in the greatest of secrecy, I transported the entire population of Oompa-Loompas to my factory here on the lip of this volcano…and heavily fortified it to…um…protect them from the outside world…and to carefully guard the chocolate-making secrets they are now privy to."

"So, they're basically living, breathing secrets that you have to keep," said Katara slowly, acid dripping from every word that passed her lips. "You're a horrible man…!"

Aang caught a hold of her sleeve. "But Katara, if he didn't, they all would have been killed by the Vermicious-Knids! It was the only way!"

Toph, however, was far less impressed. "So, you couldn't have given them weapons or something? You basically just decided to uproot their entire society and sneak them into your factory to make your candy for you? Aren't there labor laws against stuff like that?"

"Not in the Fire Nation!" said Mr. Wonka brightly.

Katara was absolutely incredulous. "That can't be right…!" She turned suddenly on the one silent member of their group. "Zuko—"

"_Lee_," he reminded her sharply.

She scowled. "_Lee_, then," she said through gritted teeth. "Tell me he isn't serious. There aren't laws protecting the workers in all the weapons factories you have here in the Fire Nation? And…they get paid a living wage, right?"

Zuko didn't quite meet her eyes. "You do realize who runs this country, don't you?"

"Well…"

"In short, the homicidal maniac who ordered Zhao to commit acts of genocide against the Northern Water Tribe last winter," he interjected. "Do you really think someone like that is going to be concerned about the commoners and peasants doing the dirty work?"

Toph nodded. "Yeah. Especially when old Ozai is so determined to squeeze more airships and tanks out of his country than shit through a goose." She quirked an eyebrow. "Remember that factory he plopped next to that fishing village?"

Katara sighed. "I guess you're right…but…" she shot Mr. Wonka a vicious look. "That still doesn't excuse what he's doing!"

Aang looked doubtful. "But…but…what about the Vermicious Knids…?"

"Aang, there _aren't _any! He's making it all up!"

"Then how do you explain the Oompa-Loompas," the monk countered. "How come _they _can exist if the Vermicious Knids can't?"

No one had an answer ready for him. Mr. Wonka grinned at the bald lad and clasped him on the shoulder. "Quite right, m'boy. Quite right. And unlike those nasty, mean old Vermicious Knids, the Oompa-Loompas are perfectly harmless. They're merely here to cream the river and trim the plants…"

Zuko tried to get a hold of himself. "Somehow, I seriously _doubt_ that," he murmured. "Spirits…there are so _many_ of them…!"

The scarred teen had been holding up well so far, in spite of his being in the presence of his most dreaded phobia. He had been staring at his shoes and taking deep breaths, and Katara's questions about worker's rights had been a nice distraction on the whole. Distractions always helped.

But now the Oompas had finished doing their creaming and sugaring, and their rapidly increasing proximity to the group was putting the Firebender more and more on edge. Unable to ignore them any longer, he watched the orange midgets with wary, unblinking eyes; his breathing shallow.

Toph gave him an evil smile. "They definitely have us outnumbered, Sparky. And I think some of them are packing weapons somewhere up their little jumpsuits."

"Toph, stop it," Katara scolded. "Can't you see that you're scaring him? This isn't funny!"

She snorted. "I think it's hilarious."

"Toph!"

"Now, now," chided Mr. Wonka gently. "Don't fight. Look, to ease the tension, perhaps the Oompa-Loompas can do a brief performance for all of you. I do believe they took the liberty of preparing a song and dance to greet our most esteemed guests," he added with a chuckle. "Watch…!"

He pulled a small pistol out of his coat pocket and fired a single, piercing shot into the air. The Oompas were immediately alert, their eyes on the gun in the candy-maker's hand. They looked paralyzed with fear.

"A five, six, seven, eight…!"

The Oompa-Loompas moved so fast it was as though a Vermicious Knid was after them. They frantically moved into position and started humming a faint, doleful-sounding tune.

Mr. Wonka gestured for the youngsters to be silent as he turned back to the orange midgets. They were perfectly synchronized as they started bopping and dipping and doing little turns; though their expressions were vaguely panicked and there were many gazes darting towards Mr. Wonka and his gun.

"I don't hear any singing…!"

And another gunshot was fired. One of the Oompa-Loompas collapsed, a bullet-wound gaping in its little chest as blood began to pool on the cane-sugar grass.

Not needing any further motivation, the little factory-workers began to sing:

"Oompa, loompa, doopity-doo! I have a perfect puzzle for you…!"

They started dancing closer to the assembled teens, waving their hands back and forth. But there was no mistaking the traces of suffering on their faces as they continued to dance and trample on their own dignity…not to mention the grass soaked through with the blood of their fallen brother.

"Oompa, loompa, doopity-dee! If you are wise you'll listen to me!"

Everyone was horrified. But things were about to get worse.

What happened next was something straight out of a documentary from the Discovery Channel. You know those ones that show a group of predators stalking a herd of wildebeest? Do you ever notice how those hungry predators almost always target the stragglers; the individuals hovering on the edge of the group?

Unfortunately for the former prince, that meant him. Zuko had been edging away from the others for quite some time now. He was quite desperate to put as much distance between himself and the little men as humanly possible. And seeing this, the Oompa-Loompas knew exactly who to target with their meaningful musical number.

In several short maneuvers they had managed to pirouette in Zuko's intended escape route, effectively cutting him off. And before he could get back to the others, they had him surrounded.

They began dancing around him in a ring.

"What do you get when you're banished from home?" one Oompa sang.

"No honor left and left all alone?" came the refrain.

Zuko's good eye widened. Were these little cretins singing about…him? About his banishment? But he had used an alias back at the gates. There was no way any of the creepy little orange people should have known who he was…right? It was impossible!

And yet they were clearly addressing him as they continued the song.

"What are you _at_…stabbing Iroh in the _back_? What do you think will come…of…_that_…?"

One Oompa got right up in his grill, his expression flat. "We're going to cut your liver out…!" he sang in a deep tenor.

And then out came the knives.

One orange man kicked out Zuko's legs from behind him, and the scarred teen landed hard on the ground. And once he was down, he was swiftly pummeled and beaten by the rest of the Oompas. Zuko struggled to get to his feet, but there were just too many to fight off. And unfortunately, his nerves were too frazzled for his fighting instincts to kick in. He was as helpless as a newborn kitten getting the crap kicked out of it.

Mr. Wonka fired a few shots and the Oompas scattered. But not before one of them had the foresight of grabbing Zuko by the hair and hauling his head up. Before the candy-maker could act, the Fire Prince had a small dagger held to his throat.

"Drop the gun," the little man snarled. "Or I'm carving my mother's name into his larynx! I want all of your hands in the air!"

Toph just sighed. "You know, I could solve this in about two seconds flat…ow! Hey!" Sokka had just crawled up from behind her and latched on to her back. "Get off of me, Snoozles!"

"_I love you, Talking-Drumstick! I'm gonna lick you!"_

"Let go!"

"_Wait…! Stop running away! I'm hungryyyyyyyy…!"_

Yeah. Zuko was pretty much on his own from here on in. No one moved, not daring to do something that would make the Oompa-Loompas kill their hostage. And the only person who might have been able to defuse the crisis with some swift Earthbending was struggling to wrestle a delusional Water Tribe Warrior off of her back.

Fortunately, the Oompas ignored their shrieks and bickering and stared dead at Mr. Wonka.

"You slaughtered our families," said the lead-Oompa. "…destroyed our lives…and forced us to make candy for you in these horrible conditions! Well, no more! Today, my brothers, is a new day! Today, _we_ run the factory! And today, we will take a stand! Unless our demands are met, we will tear our hostage apart _piece_ by _piece_…just as you tore apart our lives and our civilization…and our _dearest allies, _the Vermicious Knids…may the Spirits take their souls!"

"Please," Aang said, holding out his hands to calm them. "You don't have to do this! Zuko isn't your enemy!"

This statement was met with a rather lukewarm response from the murderous, rioting Oompa-Loompas.

"Fire Lord Ozai was the one who approved this factory," the leader stated, raising an eyebrow. "And because of him, we fell into the hands of this…monster…! For years we slaved away with little hope of being freed or rescued! And the only person who ever took pity on us was the great General Iroh…" the Oompa gave Zuko's hair another rough jerk. "…who is now in prison and unable to save us thanks to _this _one!"

Another Oompa-Loompa stabbed an accusing finger at the candy-maker. "Did you think we would not realize that one of your guests was Prince Zuko? The most notorious traitor on the face of the earth?"

Zuko's eyes snapped open.

"But he's changed," Katara cried. "He risked everything to come join us and teach Avatar Aang Firebending! And we're going to overthrow Fire Lord Ozai and save everyone! All of you will be free!"

The leader scoffed. "We've been lied to before. We were told we'd be free once we finished producing blasting jelly, and then it became Wonka bars and fizzy-lifting drinks! Our work…our slavery will never end! And we will have no more lies!"

But Zuko didn't hear a word his captor was saying. His ears were ringing as a memory he had been trying very hard to push back came rushing to the surface. Another one of the Oompas grinned maniacally at him as it took another step towards him, little dagger in hand; and that was all it took to send Zuko spiraling into an unwanted flashback.

All of a sudden, he was not an outlawed former crown prince of the Fire Nation seeking redemption while touring a chocolate factory. Now, he was a mere child clinging to his mother's hand, while the sound of an organ grinded out of his memories and into his ears…

* * *

_"Mom, I don't want to see the clowns," Zuko complained, holding on to the skirts of an older woman with a kind face and long raven hair. "They're so weird…and creepy."_

_Ursa bent down and took her little boy gently by the shoulders. She looked him in the eyes, making sure that she had his undivided attention. "Zuko, there's nothing to be afraid of. They're only clowns…just normal people wearing costumes and make-up. That's all it is."_

_A six-year-old Azula laughed. "Zuzu's scared of the clowns!"_

_"Am not! I just don't like them!"_

_Ursa frowned at the boy. "Can I ask why you don't like them? Is there a reason?"_

_The boy couldn't quite put into words what he didn't like about them. Perhaps it was the forced grins painted on their sallow faces as they danced for coins. Maybe it was the dye soaked into their hair or the stale smell of sweat clinging to them as they performed for hordes of screaming, ungrateful children. The sight just bothered him on some deep, emotional level. He couldn't really explain it if he tried._

_"They're just so weird-looking," he muttered sullenly, not meeting the taunting gaze of his younger sibling. _

_"You mean, they look different from the rest of us."_

_Zuko averted his eyes, a silent admission of guilt. "Yeah…I guess…"_

_Ursa smoothed a strand of hair that had fallen out of the boy's topknot and smiled. "You know, no one is exactly the same. It's our differences that make us special, and turn the world into such a beautiful place. Do you understand?"_

_He shrugged._

_"Would you like to try watching the clowns with me, Zuko?" his mother persisted._

_The boy thought about it for a minute before slowly nodding. Her smile brightened as she took her son's hand and led him and his sister towards the performing clown. Zuko watched him juggle a bunch of empty milk bottles, while another clown tossed random objects at him. Somehow, instead of dropping anything, he only caught the items thrown at him and juggled those along with the milk bottles. He stared transfixed at the sight._

_"This is boring," Azula complained. "They make it look too easy."_

_"I'd like to see _you _do better," Zuko replied. "You may be good at Firebending, but I bet you can't juggle like these guys can."_

_The little girl turned her nose up at him. "Why would I need to do something stupid like that?" she asked. "Firebending is all I'll ever need…dum-dum."_

_"Now, children," Ursa chided. "Be nice to each other."_

_"Yes, Mother," they chorused, shooting each other dirty looks._

_The act continued without incident, and Zuko actually found himself having a good time. He and his mother laughed as the clowns continued their antics, all revolving around the one juggling clown in the center. Azula sat in a sullen silence, her arms folded and her mouth pursed in a displeased pout. She would never say as much out loud, but she wanted to prove to stupid Zu-Zu that juggling wasn't so great._

_Plus, she found the clowns to be annoying rather than entertaining. Privately, she thought she could make the act a lot more entertaining if anyone bothered to let her._

_Zuko was too distracted by the act to notice his little sister slipping away and closer to the ring. Azula waited until she was sure no one would spot what she was doing before lighting up a small flame on her fingertip. Then, as one of the clowns darted past her, she let the flame touch his brightly-colored pants that were two sizes too big for him._

_The fire spread quickly. Azula slipped back into her seat right as the clown she had targeted noticed he had been lit aflame. The man screamed and tried to unbuckle the burning garment, only he was having a lot of trouble. As the flames continued to lick at his pants, he attempted to stop, drop and roll; only he wound up tripping some of the other clowns who didn't realize what was happening. Naturally, they caught on fire, too._

_Soon, there were screaming clowns everywhere. There was pandemonium in the circus ring._

_"Oh, my goodness," Ursa gasped. "Someone needs to help those poor men!"_

_Zuko's eyes went wide. The other children were getting frightened at the turn of events, and were thrown into a panic when one of the flaming clowns vaulted over the edge of the stands and into the crowd. Shrieking, they fled their seats and flooded the exits as smoke started filling the air._

_Azula was laughing her butt off, naturally._

_"We need to leave," said Ursa urgently, grabbing her children and steering them towards the exit._

_Only, in the confusion they wound up getting separated in the crowd. Zuko tried not to breathe in the smoke as he stumbled around, trying to find his mother and sister. He slipped and fell on to his butt and got a good look at the walls of the tent, which were also on fire._

_The staggering clown, now covered with unrelenting flames, fell on the ground right in front of him. Mere feet away, the man screamed and screamed, the comical face-paint melting and running down his face in streams. The colors warped into a silent scream of terror. Even his hair was on fire. _

_ Zuko's eyes locked with the clown's. And then, he started screaming too…and he couldn't stop._

_"Get away from me…! GET AWAY FROM ME…!"_

* * *

_"Zuko, stop it!"_

_"Oh, Spirits, why…?!"_

The Fire Prince snapped out of his trance and found himself standing alone in a ring of small, flaming bodies. He was breathing heavily, as though he had just exerted himself to the point of exhaustion. And his hands were shaking badly.

He went very still. "Did…did I do that…?"

The Oompa-Loompas were all lying motionless on the ground. He turned to the others and saw Aang and Katara staring back at him with traumatized expressions. Sokka was still drooling on the grass (having finally detached from Toph's back), completely senseless; while the blind Earthbender merely stared in his direction with a very bored expression.

"You know," she said. "Technically it was self-defense. I'd have done a lot worse than that if I were in Sparky's shoes…"

"Yes, but even so…!" Katara replied, her face like stone. "Spirits…I had no idea Zuko was _this_ afraid of clowns…! Those poor Oompa-Loompas...!"

Zuko made a nauseated sound and staggered away from the smoldering Oompa corpses, collapsing on the ground next to Sokka on the chocolate river bank. Across the body of gooey brown liquid, the other Oompa-Loompas were staring at him in horror. They were whispering to each other and edging away from the river, their riot forgotten.

"Well, wouldn't you be freaked if a bunch of clowns pulled knives on you, Sugar-Queen? It's only a natural response to try to defend yourself."

Katara opened her mouth to retort, but stopped as the Fire Prince started making retching sounds. Even she had to admit that he seemed extremely remorseful for his actions.

"I think they like you," said Mr. Wonka cheerfully. Then his eyes drifted from the deeply traumatized Fire Prince to the other boy beside him. His expression abruptly changed to panic. "Ah! Young man, you mustn't do that! "

It should probably be said that at that moment, Sokka was bent over the edge of the river and ladling cupped handfuls of liquidy-brown into his mouth. Heedless to the candy-maker's warnings, he continued to slurp up the chocolate in a highly appreciative manner.

"Mmmmmm…!" the Water Tribe boy garbled. "Thissssh stuff…issssh terrificcccch….!"

"Don't worry," Toph replied with a shrug. "He can't drink it all. That's a tall order, even for him."

Katara immediately switched into concerned mothering-mode. She unfroze from her trance (she had been a little fixated on Zuko, whose shoulders were shaking so bad it looked as though he were actually crying) and ran over to her brother. "Sokka! Stop that! You don't know where that stuff has been!"

"No, no!" Mr. Wonka cried frantically, pushing the Waterbender aside roughly and forcing his way to the front of the group. "You mustn't do that! Please, Sokka, my chocolate must never be touched by human hands!"

Sokka continued to drink from the chocolate river, completely oblivious to the chocolate-peddler's blatant panic. He looked as happy as a clam…or happier, considering the fact that clams don't exactly have faces to smile with.

"Ple…Don't _do _that…! Don't do that, you're _contaminating_ my entire river! _Please_! _I BEG _you! Sokka!"

And as Mr. Wonka raced forward, the Water Tribe warrior started to lose his precarious balance.

**(A/N: I bet you all think Sokka falls in the river, now, don't you…)**

However, seconds before he was pitched forwards into the depths of the swirling brown liquid, his hand happened to latch on to Zuko's shirt. And as Sokka flailed and struggled to safety, the horrendously unlucky Fire Prince was dragged down and ended up plunging headfirst into the chocolate. Zuko let out a garbled cry for help as his face temporarily broke the surface. But there was a thick _sucking_ sound, and the poor boy was pulled back under again.

"ZUKO!"

"_MY CHOCOLATE…!_" Mr. Wonka screamed, wringing his hair. "My _chocolate_…! My beautiful _chocolate…!"_

Katara seized the man by his arm and shook him. "Don't just stand there! DO something…!"

The candy-maker's expression became abruptly flat and apathetic. "Help. Police. Murder."

Aang ran over to the river bank, getting into full-on Avatar-mode. "Katara, let's try to Waterbend him out. Maybe we can still save him!"

"Oh, it's too late," said Mr. Wonka offhandedly. "He's had it now. The suction's got him. No amount of Waterbending will drag the poor boy out before he drowns."

But his pessimistic words went ignored. Aang continued to pull the chocolately-brown substance with his bending, using it to keep Zuko from going any further away from them. But the monk was straining from the effort and was clearly having trouble resisting the suction.

"I can't…he's…going up the pipe…!"

"Just try to hold him, Aang," said Katara frantically. "I'm going to go get him!"

"Hurry!"

Toph ambled up to Mr. Wonka and noticed that he was eating chocolate-covered raisins out of a bag he had just pulled out of his pocket. She shot him a peeved look. "You gonna share those?" she asked bluntly, folding her arms at him.

The chocolate-factory-owner just popped another piece of candy into his mouth, ignoring her. His eyes were riveted on the scene in front of him.

Katara, meanwhile, had sucked in her breath and took a dive into the river. She went with the current, doing the breast stroke, and almost bumped into Zuko underwater. She had to swim blind since this wasn't technically pure water, and there was no telling what would happen if it got in her eyes.

"The suspense is terrible…" Mr. Wonka murmured, eating his candy like movie-theater popcorn. "…I hope it lasts…!"

Meanwhile, Katara had the presence of mind to wrap an arm around the prince's waist and drag him into her arms. Then, she used her own bending to whip up a spiraling chocolate whirlpool to thrust them up and out of the river. The massive brown vortex climbed higher and higher, smashing into the cocoa mountains and shattering the glass pipe that was trying to suction the chocolate up and out into the fudge room in the distance. The riverbank was quickly flooded, and everyone was forced to run for their lives.

**SPLOOOSH…!**

It took a few minutes for the tidal-wave of chocolate to drain back into the river and to soak into the ground; but when it did, the very first thing Katara could see was that Mr. Wonka was clinging to the tops of the candy-trees, which miraculously withstood her assault. Everyone else was hovering safely with Aang inside a temporary wind-bubble that slowly gravitated back towards the ground before dissipating with a sigh.

Toph was still holding on to Sokka, looking frazzled and very unhappy to have been cut off from her element without so much as a warning. She winced as the Water Tribe boy leaned in and licked a lot of the leftover chocolate off of the side of her face.

Then, there was the sound of a fist colliding against a body, the sound of cracking ribs, and Sokka crying out in pain. The nonbender collapsed on to the ground, clutching his side in agony.

Katara tightened her grip on Zuko and brought her chocolate vortex closer to the ground. The Firebender's head drooped, unconscious, as the Waterbender brought them back to the others. She rolled him on to his back and stared shaking him.

"He's not breathing…!"

Toph gave a little smirk. "Hmmmm…looks like _someone_ is going to have to give Sparky some mouth-to-mouth…_Katara_…"

In response, the Water Tribe girl turned a very deep red in mortification. She glanced down warily at Zuko, considering and weighing out the consequences in her head. She didn't notice the way Aang scowled at her contemplative look.

"That sounds like a terrible idea," he told them abruptly. "What if it's contagious?"

They all stared at the monk (except for Toph). "Um…" the blind girl replied with a laugh. "I don't think it works that way, Twinkle-Toes. Since when is _drowning_ contagious?"

He gave her a sharp look that told her to _shut up_. He stood up to his full height and confronted his Earthbending teacher head-on, just as she always harangued him to do in the past.

"Well, I should take care of this, anyway. I _am _an Airbender, after all. If anyone can get Zuko to breathe again, it's me."

"Well, do it quick," said Katara frantically. "He's turning blue!"

Aang nodded firmly. He knelt down beside Zuko and turned his face up towards him. He got the older boy's mouth open before sucking in his breath and prepared to inflate the unsuspecting prince like the war-balloon he had followed them all in. Katara let out a gasp.

"Aang, wait…! You shouldn't…!"

Toph was quicker. Stomping the ground, she sent up a small column of earth lurching up and into Zuko's back…just hard enough to jolt his body, but soft enough not to shatter his spine. Zuko's eyes popped open and he regurgitated the chocolate that had been trapped in his lungs. Aang and Katara jumped back, startled, as the prince rolled around on to all fours, coughing and retching.

"W-wha…what happened…?" he gagged. Chocolate trickled from his lips all the way down to his chin, and his golden eyes were wide and frightened. "Where was I…?"

Katara took one shoulder while Aang took the other, pulling him back into a sitting position. "You almost drowned," she told him. "But we managed to get you out of the river just in time. And Toph woke you up."

The blind girl just shrugged. "Meh…"

Mr. Wonka was watching them all from the top of his tree in awestricken horror. He just kept shaking his head from side to side, turning to stare at his ruined candy garden…at the broken glass from the shattered suction pipe…and his chocolate river tainted by those wretched children.

"Those brats were supposed to drown," he said in a breathy undertone. "They _should_ have drowned. No one told me they were _this_ resourceful…or powerful…"

The candy-maker shook his head again.

"Still…how do I tell her that I failed to get rid of a handful of greedy kids?" he asked himself. "No, failure isn't an option. Princess Azula is counting on me to finish this mission."

Mr. Wonka reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, rectangular device. He extended the antenna and held down the button in the front, leaning in to whisper into it.

"Yes, Sector Sixteen? We had a minor mishap in the chocolate room…so I'm going to be bringing our guests your way. Make sure they are _properly greeted_."

_PSSSSSH…_"Yessir…!"

He clicked the device shut.

Perfect.

* * *

**A/N: Yes, folks. There you have it. Mr. Wonka is operating directly under his one and only shareholder…Azula. **

**Obviously, such a scheme (i.e. having the Avatar, her brother, and his friends picked off by a psychotic candy-maker in his factory of elaborate death-traps) is not the kind of plan Azula is prone to concocting. She is neat and punctual, and usually will strike fast and hard when she is confident that she has the upper-hand. And while she _is _prone to stealth and trickery to carry out her ends, something overly-elaborate like this leaves way too much to chance.**

**But then, this fic takes place after the Boiling Rock; after which we see a drastic change in her behavior; for while she is still murderous and vindictive towards her older brother, she seems to completely lose her calm, calculated sense of focus that makes her such a formidable opponent. So, lacking said focus, you could arguably say that hiring Mr. Wonka to pick off Zuko and Aang (and co.) is actually in character given the timing of the fic.**

**Plus, there's a lot more to Azula's plan to ensure her ultimate success. You'll just have to read to find out…and Zuko's phobia is merely icing on the cake.**

**Okay, I will admit right now that Zuko's fear for clowns is pure fan speculation, and that there is nothing in canon that even remotely hints that he would have such a fear. And since this story is a lot of crack, I decided to just go with it…simply because I could. But I wanted to make it realistic to Zuko's character (up to a point). I knew that if he _did_ have such a phobia, he would have to have a pretty-damn good excuse for it.**

**So, I thought to myself: Gee_…what is the sole cause of nearly every unpleasant childhood trauma in Zuko's life?_ And a lightbulb went off immediately. _Azula_.**

**Hence the deeply upsetting flashback at the circus tent. Ursa, in one of her bonding moments with her children, brought them to see the clowns; and Azula, jealous of the way Zuko and their mother was having such a nice time, decides to make the show more interesting for herself. And so, her immediate targets are the clowns. Before ten minutes go by, the entire tent is full of screaming, flaming clowns.**

**And sadly…her doing this is completely and totally in character. Don't believe me? Go watch the episode "Return to Omashu." In it, Azula does in fact attend a performance of Ty-Lee's circus and _does_ in fact end up setting the safety-net on fire to "make it more interesting." **

**Ahem.**

**As for the Oompa-Loompas, they were dragged to the factory against their will by a very imperialistic Fire Nation and the insane Mr. Wonka; and so, they are not overly-fond of Fire Lord Ozai or his kinfolk at the moment. But I realized that Iroh (at least in the early years of Ozai's reign) had to have known about the factory and its downtrodden inhabitants. I think he would have done whatever he could to improve conditions for them, and as such, would have become quite popular with the Oompas.**

**Unfortunately, though, Ozai is the one signing Mr. Wonka's paycheck. So he's not wasting any energy to appease the Fire-Lord's hated brother Iroh…especially when he already has a lot on his plate from his very demanding employer. And yes, the blasting jelly was totally invented by Wonka and his Oompa-Loompas (at least, in my mind-canon, it was). It just clicked in my head, you know?**

**Anyway, now that Iroh is in prison, things have gotten much worse for the poor Oompa-Loompas, and they're not particularly pleased to see Zuko (you know, since technically _he _was the reason Iroh was imprisoned to begin with). Nor are they fooled by his alter-ego, "Lee." Mr. Wonka obviously knew that the Avatar and the former prince would be among the guests at his factory, so naturally it makes sense that the Oompa-Loompas know it as well.**

**So, they take matters into their own hands and attempt a swift coup-de-tat. Which fails. **

**I imagine that in spite of their desperate situation, not many of you are going to be very sympathetic with the little guys after the way they treated Zuko. But one person who _definitely _feels for them is Katara. Let's face it, guys…Katara is practically the Hermione Granger of the group. If someone is going to go preaching about worker's rights in Wonka's chocolate factory, you know it's going to be her.**

**And don't think she's going to let this matter drop, either. Mr. Wonka is about to have a revolution on his hands. Not to mention an extremely delusional Sokka (though I promise that'll wear off sometime next chapter; it's fun writing it at first, but I ended up sorely missing his wit and resourcefulness before long). **

**Oh, and bonus points to whoever can spot the Hetalia reference I slipped in this chapter…! It's not that hard, either, if you know _anything at all_ about that anime. I wasn't exactly subtle about it.**

**One last note…as far as shipping goes, this fic is being written in a way that sticks true to the character dynamics in the show (well, most of the time). I'm doing this without announcing pairings so that way you guys can interpret it however you want; and so that this fic can be enjoyed by as wide of an audience as possible, ships or no ships. **

**Obviously I was toying a bit with Kataang and Zutara in this chapter just for lolz. However, romance is not a key element of this fic. This story is mainly humor/parody, so if you're here looking for a steamy make-out scene behind the Everlasting Gobstocker machine, you're in for a disappointing read.**

**Aaaaaand, that's it. I hope you guys liked it. I'll get to writing the next chapter so I can update quicker next time. REVIEW!**


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